Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
