She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
