I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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