you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
