Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
