Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
