If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
