I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
