She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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