Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
