if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
