Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
COCAINE IS GR8
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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