Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
