I molested 6 butterflies tonight
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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