My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
