hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
