every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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