how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
