just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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