There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Randomize
