You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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