she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
