Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
