I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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