you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
just tell him i said nine months
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Randomize
