i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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