pedialite and red bull = repair kit
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
