Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize
