Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
