i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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