I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Randomize
