just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
