Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
