Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
