Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
