Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
