I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
