Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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