i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
