Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
