I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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