My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
