my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
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I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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