my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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