I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
