I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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