The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
