its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
