the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
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I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
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Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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