True but thats because hes a fetus.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
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If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
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Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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