i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
