life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
