the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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