his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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