I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
