tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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